5:15 AM
by YellowRosesAndHearts
Summary: Elliot thinks about his job, his failed marriage, and his partner early one morning. EO attractionfriendship, no romance. Please review!


_**Ok, this is a piece about Elliot reflecting on his life one morning. EO attraction, because I couldn't resist, but not romance, because I wanted to be realistic. So, please, tell me if I was. Thanks!**_

Disclaimer: I, in fact, am at a bargaining table with Dick Wolf trying to purchase them with my twenty dollar a week allowance, but for now, they're not mine.

You could say that the big change in me started with Olivia walking into the office in 1999 as my new partner. That would be accurate enough. But she wasn't the change, not really. Liv showing up marked the shift of the dynamic of my family and the job. Before, family always came first. But soon, in the period after Olivia became my partner, the job consumed me. But it didn't have so much to do with Liv, like my wife thought. She was only the tangible change.

Though I did find her endlessly fascinating. According to Munch, the reason why she was so captivating, "shiny" as he called her, was because she was new. The idea of women like Olivia existing intrigued me, actually—new female partner, stirringly intelligent, witty, strong… and pretty, of course. Married or not, I didn't fail to notice it.

It didn't trouble me really; carrying on an almost infatuation with my partner. It wasn't like I was going to act on it, and it wasn't like I didn't love Kathy. And I was quite capable at separating the alter ego's of Elliot Stabler effectively—at home, I was concerned, loving father, and reasonably attentive husband, and at work, I was the archetypal hero, and Liv's partner. I couldn't tell you which one was more me, or who knew me better. All I do know is that the job became me, and Elliot in 1999 and Elliot in 2003 were so different, they could have been different people.

Olivia weathered the storm, Kathy couldn't. Not that I blame Kathy, now that I look back. Liv changed with me because she had to—she saw all the horrible things that I did. But Kathy, she had nothing to go on but my non committal nods and indecisive responses to her questions. I was deaf to the fact that she was desperate to know what the hell was going on with me until it was too late.

"How was your day?"

"Fine."

"How's work been?"

"Alright."

"How are the guys?"

"They're okay."

"How's Olivia?"

"Liv's good."

I look back on those conversations, and I almost cringe. But I didn't know what else I was supposed to do, I certainly didn't want to trouble her with what I saw every day. Problems or not, I loved her, and I wanted to protect her from it. I guess what I didn't get was that I was destroying our marriage in the process of protecting her.

She started asking me a lot about Olivia after that. At first, I didn't get what the point was, but then I realized that she thought I was having an affair with her. Now, logically, I understand exactly why she thought that. But then, I couldn't help being angry about her insinuation beneath my calm façade of "She's my partner."

We were divorced not too long after that. I didn't tell Liv, but for a while, I partly blamed her for some of it, for Kathy believing I had an affair with her. It was stupid, I obviously know that now, but for a while I needed someone to blame besides myself for my twenty year marriage going south like that. I didn't want to accept the fact that I didn't even know my family any more. That me and the job had completely torn us apart.

"Catholic guilt," Olivia calls it, "There's nothing you could have done." I'd like to believe that, but there was. I could have come home from the office early occasionally. I could have gone out with Liv less. I could have gotten to know my kids better.

Right after the divorce, I slept in the crib a lot. The empty house depressed the hell out of me, and so, I would work for maybe sixteen hours a day, go out for drinks with Munch, Fin, and Olivia, sleep for a few hours, only to wake up and do the same thing the next day. It wasn't until Olivia and Cragen joined forces, yelled at me, and drove me home that I began sleeping there again.

I got used to my routine because I had to, I never did learn to like it, but I did accept it. The months went by, and my life became my job and Liv. And as long as I could focus on those two aspects, just those two aspects, then I was neither happy nor unhappy, just numb. But I had an almost epiphany this morning. I'm not fine any more. This life isn't good enough any more.

I woke up in my double bed, noting with sadness how much smaller it is than the king sized one I used to sleep in. The clock read four thirty, and, though I would usually long for as much sleep as possible, I got out of bed, got dressed, and put some coffee on. I just thought about my life as though I'd already lived it; as if there would never be anything else of note to add to it. Kathy and my twenty year marriage dissolving in less than six months, Maureen, arrested for driving drunk, and Olivia's teary eyes as Gitano held that gun to my head.

I could feel myself shaking with the great effort of holding my crying in, because men don't cry. Or men like me don't, anyway. I didn't bother to realize how lonely I am until now, didn't bother to wonder over how awful it is that I only have two things left in my life. And it's not enough for me. It's not enough for any one.

Dickie and Lizzie are teenagers now, and Maureen and Kathleen have grown into sophisticated college girls without my realizing it. From what I've been able to tell from Kathleen's garbled updates, Kathy's met a man, and is going steady with him. Maureen's a college senior, with one eye on her upcoming Bachelors degree. Dickie rattles on about a girl whom I assume is his first girlfriend, but who knows, really? And I throw myself into work, accepting that Olivia and the job are all I have any more.

I sighed, took a deep sip of my coffee, and blinked the tears back. The clock read 5:15, and I pulled on my coat and left the house to get an early start at work.

_Fin._

_**Like it? Hate it? Review, please.**_


End file.
